Workplace Policies (Effective Immediately) 1. Alan Quine Jersey .1 Disagreements Minor disagreements shall be settled with small acts of violence: a slap to the face, a stapler to the groin, or a laptop to the knees are just a few examples. Employees may use any workplace object or surface in order to injure other employees. Remember: violence encourages others to better understand your way of thinking, and fosters respect in future disagreements. Those who attempt to settle minor disagreements with reason and dialogue shall be in violation of The Code. Major disagreements shall be settled by dropping the gloves and chucking knuckles. The last employee standing shall be considered in the right, though both employees shall be sent home for the duration of that workday. Third parties in disagreements are strictly forbidden, and any third party combatants shall be sent home without pay for the duration of the workweek, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. Third party incidents shall be ignored if the number of those in the disagreement grows to include the division or team its entirety. Those not participating in a full-division disagreement shall be in violation of The Code and will be considered to be absent of grit and admirable character. 1.2 Benefits and Compensation Benefits and compensation shall henceforth be awarded without reason or rationale. Lower level employees will inexplicably, at times, be better compensated than executives or long-serving employees. Those in the Toronto offices shall be compensated at a rate double of that in regional offices. Performance shall have little to do with compensation. Unquantifiable intangibles will be cited as reasons for inflated remuneration. Those who have outstanding fourth quarters shall be rewarded for that quarter in ignorance of all previous quarters. Those who carry the bulk of the workload and adhere to The Code shall be rewarded in empty platitudes, but not monetarily, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. 1.3 Responsibility Failure and underperformance by teams and divisions shall fall upon the team leaders and divisional executives. If teams or divisions fail to meet expectations, the team leader or divisional executive shall be summarily dismissed. Teams and divisions will publicly praise their dismissed leaders, and will promise to continue to support the organization with efforts of no less than 110%. 1.4 Discrimination and Harassment We expect and demand a respectful and professional work environment. Discrimination shall not be accepted under any circumstances, with the following exceptions: If it involves Europeans. If it involves French Canadians. If it involves non-Canadians. If its really funny. Harassment shall be tolerated only under the following circumstances: If it involves interns. If it involves first-year employees. If it involves guys who had it coming. If its really funny. For circumstances that do not fall into the above categories, please refer to The Code. 1.5 Statement on the Bearing of Firearms Carrying of firearms is strictly prohibited. This is not the NFL. 1.6 Health & Safety All workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be kept private, and referred to only as upper- and lower-body ailments. Employees who are absent while suffering from workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be considered to be lacking grit and admirable character. Should an employee be absent due to non-workplace health issues (hangovers, STDs, pregnant in an adulterous affair), their ailment shall be referred to as the flu or food poisoning. Information concerning hangovers, STDs, and pregnancies from adulterous affairs shall be kept within the organization, under the purview of The Code, and because they are indicative of grit and admirable character. For safety purposes, suits and protective headwear shall be worn at all times on the premises, and removed only in instances of disagreements (see 1.1) or celebration. Athletic supporters are not mandatory, but, cmon. 1.7 Nepotism Nepotism shall be rewarded and encouraged. Family members of previously successful employees shall be determined to possess equal or superior skills to the aforementioned. Automatic respect will be garnered. 1.8 Alcohol & Drugs Use of alcohol and drugs on work premises are strictly forbidden, except during celebrations or getting ready for a big day. Alcohol and drug use on employees personal time shall be discouraged, though ignored if said employees are productive or adhere to The Code or have grit and admirable character. 1.9 Media Relations After each workday, all employees shall be required to address the media. Team leaders and divisional executives shall issue brief statements, followed by terse and adversarial responses to the medias questions. The media shall, at all times, be considered ill-informed and intrusive. Employees will be permitted to answer questions with only the following five responses: We gave a 100% and put in a full day. Its all about the team. I refer you to The Code. Were taking it one day at a time. Only time will tell. Any media member who challenges the policies or activities of the organization will be questioned for not having previously worked in our industry, and dismissed for a lack of understanding of The Code or the merits of those who have grit and admirable character. 2.0 Treatment of Co-Workers All co-workers shall refer to each other by their first name or surname with a –y added to the end (Smith=Smithy or Smitty, Dave=Davey) or by a nickname that is equally affectionate and insulting. Adolescent, insulting, and vile language is henceforth the norm. Employees are encouraged to insult co-workers by calling each other by names that are not gender appropriate, referring to having intercourse with each others mothers and/or partners, and to question both the size and effectiveness of employees manhood. Such language is noted to adhere to The Code, and those who excel at its employment are seen to have grit and admirable character. 2.1 Transferability Henceforth, all employee contracts are transferable. Without notice or warning, any employee may be transferred to another organization. Reasoning for the transfer must include: Spite. Mismanagement. An attempt to shake things up. Disagreement over compensation. Perceived disrespect. Employees request. Failure to adhere to The Code. Lack of grit and/or admirable character. Alternately, employees may now be demoted to subsidiary organizations with lesser facilities in lesser locations, though these subsidiaries are known to foster grit and admirable character. 2.2 Repercussions Minor violation of any of these policies, or any act that violates The Code, will result in a half-day banishment to a secured cubicle that has been built in each divisions workspace. While in the secured cubicle, penalized employees will feel shame. Major violations shall require suspensions at the purview of management, though the length of any suspension shall not be related to any other. At the discretion of management, minor and major violations may be ignored if they are deemed to fall under the discretion of The Code. In such instances, the offending party shall be labeled as having grit and admirable character. Conclusion Each of these policies may change without notice or rationale at the discretion of management, and every 4-8 years the workplace shall be shutdown for 8 months to reevaluate all policies to the great frustration of our valued customers. All employees are forthwith encouraged to adhere to The Code and develop grit and admirable character, or they should go work for a European organization. Interested parties may opt to enroll in the organizations monthly character building workshops on the Sutter Family farm in Viking, Alberta. Miikka Kiprusoff Jersey . James Jones got his turn Sunday. And the lift he brought, combined with the expected playoff showings from LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, have the Heat off and running in these playoffs. Michael Frolik Jersey . Paul George and Darren Collison each scored 17 points and Roy Hibbert added 11 points and nine rebounds for the Pacers (9-3), who won their third straight. http://www.officialflamesfanstore.com/customized/ .com) - One point guard will return, while another will sit when the Minnesota Timberwolves visit American Airlines Center to take on the Dallas Mavericks.The Penguins get by the Blue Jackets, the Wild and Kings force Game Sevens. Notes on Malkin, Crosby, Johnson, Dubinsky, Parise, Kopitar, Williams, Stalock and more. PENGUINS GET PAST BLUE JACKETS Pittsburgh looked like they were free and clear after racing out to a 4-0 lead, led by Evgeni Malkins hat trick, but then the Blue Jackets scored three goals in a 4:52 span in the third period to make for a heart-stopping finish. In the end, the Penguins held on to win 4-3, taking the series in six games. Malkin, who took some criticism for his lack of production, finished the series with seven points in six games. Not bad at all. After being on the ice for 71.2% of 5-on-5 shot attempts in Game Six, Malkin finished the series with an impressive 59.2% Corsi percentage. Malkin was the driving force for Pittsburgh in the deciding game, as was D Kris Letang, who was on for 21 5-on-5 shot attempts for and seven against. Penguins D Matt Niskanen contributed a couple of assists, giving him eight points for the series. That tied D Paul Martin for the Penguins scoring lead. The ever-disappointing Sidney Crosby (I kid, I kid) had six assists in six games and was on the ice for 61.3% of 5-on-5 shot attempts. If thats a Crosby worthy of criticism, rue the day that he starts playing to his typical level of excellence. Columbus attack was paced by a couple of defencemen. Fedor Tyutin, with a goal and an assist, and Jack Johnson, with two assists, led the charge. Johnson finished the series with a team-leading seven points, despite struggling in puck possession terms. While Johnson struggled in terms of possession, James Wisniewski fared pretty well in that regard, at least in relative terms. Centres Brandon Dubinsky and Ryan Johansen each had six points for the Blue Jackets, while rookie LW Boone Jenner had five. Dubinsky had 40 hits over the course of the series, a total that leads the NHL postseason. That the series proved to be competitive should come as no surprise, but it should also come as no surprise that the Penguins had the high-end skill to overcome a spirited challenge from Columbus. WILD FORCE SEVEN Fighting for their playoff lives, the Minnesota Wild jumped out to a 2-0 lead, gave it back, then scored the winner with 6:29 left in third period, before adding a couple of empty-netters to ice a 5-2 victory in Game Six, forcing Game Seven back in Denver. Wild LW Zach Parise had a huge game, netting the game-winner as part of a two goal, two assist performance. Parise now has 10 points in the postseason, tied with Colorados Nathan MacKinnon for the playoff scoring lead. Ryan Suter and Mikko Koivu each had twoo assists and Jason Pominville had a goal and an assist. Mike Vernon Jersey. Wild LW Nino Niederreiter had quite a game in possession terms, on for 15 shot attempts for and three against (83.3%). With Niederreiter off the ice, the Wild had 38.2% of the 5-on-5 shot attempts. Though they came out on the losing end, Colorado did get C Matt Duchene back in the lineup and he contributed an assist in 18:52 of ice time. RW Ryan OReilly assisted on both Colorado goals. That this series is going seven games is rather fortunate for the Avalanche. The Wild have the best Fenwick Close in the playoffs which, naturally, means Colorado has the worse and that 60-40 disparity in even-strength shot attempts is difficult to overcome. The Avalanche have overcome shot deficits all season, leaning heavily on G Semyon Varlamov, so that is likely what they will need if they are going to get through Game Seven. The Avalanche can also take some comfort in the fact that the home team has won every game in this series. KINGS PUSH SHARKS TO SEVEN Faced with the prospect of losing their three-games-to-none lead in the series, the San Jose Sharks were forced to go into Game Six without top defenceman Marc-Edouard Vlasic, who was injured in Game Five, and then made the decision to start backup goaltender Alex Stalock in place of Antti Niemi. The result? A 4-1 Kings win, sending the series to Game Seven back in San Jose. Tied at one, with 8:04 remaining, Kings RW Justin Williams scored the winning goal, pushing Stalock back towards the Sharks net, jarring the puck loose and into the net. As controversial as that goal was, the Kings tacked on two more in short order, both by C Anze Kopitar, in the next 2:46 to put the game away. Kopitar added an assist, giving him eight points in the series, to the lead the Kings, while D Drew Doughty added a couple of assists, giving him six points in six games. Williams finished with two goals and an assist to lead the Kings. This series has been very even, with the Sharks holding a 132-128 edge in unblocked shot attempts with the score close (within a goal for the first two periods, tied in the third/overtime). Thats close enough for goaltending to make the difference and, given the uncertainty in that respect with the Sharks, Jonathan Quick is more appealing. Even so, the Sharks do get home-ice advantage in their attempt to avoid being the fourth team in NHL history to lose a series in which they led three games to none. Scott Cullen can be reached at Scott.Cullen@bellmedia.ca and followed on Twitter at http://twitter.com/tsnscottcullen. For more, check out TSN Fantasy on Facebook. 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